If I had to pick five things …
… I have learned to pass on to anyone who might listen, here they are. They are not the only five but as I thought through my list, these resonated with me the most.
Life can be hard enough. Recessions, layoffs, world wide disease, and the day to day minutiae that gets in the way.
These five will make life better.
1. Find Your Tribe
This is one of the most important things I’ve learned in just the last couple of years.
Over the course of my career, I have gained many friends and good associations. And I truly appreciate each connection. But a “tribe” is different. These are people you find that come from different walks of life, with different experiences and contexts and they … accept you … just as you are! No judgement. An incredible amount of understanding, all learning from each other. I’ve been given great life advice from someone half my age. We all need a tribe!
“A friend is one to whom one may pour out the contents of one’s heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that gentle hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away.” — Dinah Maria Craik
Tribes aren’t necessarily large. But they give you energy, they support you, laugh with you, cry with you, and you do the same for them … without even thinking!
You go first!
To find a tribe, be a “tribal person”. This means “going first”. Be someone like Dinah describes above. Be someone who helps others, listens without judgement, accepts people unconditionally.
2. Be Resolutely You
With the world, media, other people, and work, all vying for your attention, this is one of the toughest things to do.
Many people start a conversation with “What do you do?”
Sometimes, in a bar, when someone has had too much to drink and they think you are staring at them, they yell, “What are you looking at?”
Both are wrong. The questions should be, “Who are you?” and “Who are you looking at?”
That is the question. How are going to be resolutely you?
Next time you are at a function and you meeting someone, ask the question: “Tell me about you!”
But, who are you? What do you believe, what do you value, what will you allow into your life and want will you forbid?
3. Cut the Toxins
I’m not talking about food that is bad for you. I’m talking about relationships.
You wouldn’t consume petrol! Yet we often consume toxic people, toxic content, toxic environments and toxic conversations … without doing anything about it.
I’ve decided to toss the toxins as much as I can. This includes workplaces. The work was okay, the environment was toxic. Why would I spend a quarter of my life there?
If you need to remove a toxic person from your life, telling them probably isn’t going to be pleasant or possible. Simply don’t engage with them. Don’t encourage them to be in your life. Find others who you want to be with. (See #1 Find Your Tribe)
If you need to change work environments, start looking. Update your skills if necessary, and reach out to your network.
4. Live Outside Your Comfort Zone
“Do one thing every day that scares you.” ― Eleanor Roosevelt
I used to spend “vacations” outside my comfort zone, but lately I’ve decided to live there. I may as well. That’s where the excitement is. And, as you grow, the comfort zone expands. Try something new that scares you. Truly scares you. Don’t hide from it. Go all in. If you go in half hearted, you’ll get hurt and if you don’t go in at all, you won’t progress.
Living outside your comfort zone is scary. So, you’ll need a support crew. (See #1, Find Your Tribe!)
5. Respect Yourself First
Think about the emergency procedure on airplanes. “Put your own mask on first”.
If you are not okay, you can’t help others when they really need it. Self care is the ultimate self care.
In order to fully help others, (and yes, you should), you have to be okay. Make sure you are. You must have self respect first before you can fully respect others. Otherwise, how do you know?
I have spent many years looking out for others, making sure they are okay, all the while neglecting my own needs, not standing for what I truly believe. This is because many of us:
avoid conflict
people please
want to be liked
But when we live like that, our own needs become secondary. And, ironically, no-one is demanding this of you. We do it to ourselves.
This causes all sorts of anxiety and, perhaps, a little self loathing. That doesn’t help us live our best life.
Work out what you need and ensure you get it. First from yourself, then from others.
You don’t have to be a jerk to do this. Simply state your needs and let the chips fall where they may. No need to explain. No need to be mean.
At the end of the day, the people who matter, won’t mind. (See #1, Find Your Tribe)
Final Thoughts
What are your thoughts?
What would be your five things you have learnt in life?
I’m not saying these are the only five, but they resonate with me at the moment and these can be difficult things to reconcile.
I write these as a nod to others who may feel they must comply with social norms.
No, you don’t!
Your social norms are different to others! Hence social norms are not really norms, they are just yours. (too many “norms” in there 😂)
Great food for thought my tribal warrior!
Whod've thunk that we need to reach an age like 60 to really observe and assimilate some age old wisdoms like these. Things we do innately as a child and forget as we mature, only to realise the value of their message when some think it's too late to change the old dog..
Thanks for constantly challenging my thinking - and giving it a go