Have you ever:
had to work with a difficult personality?
been stuck trying to make progress with an individual?
laid awake at night overthinking tactics to get past obstructive personalities?
You are not alone!
I’ll walk you through a simple but effective method I use when working with difficult people.
🎥 If you would prefer to watch a video, you can do that too!
Before we get to the approach, it is important to understand one factor:
In a work situation, this comes out in many ways.
Defensiveness of their position — I’ve been here over “X” years! — meaning, “Stay in your lane, bucko! I know more than you do!”
Putting others down — He/She/They aren’t that skilled; so they need me!
Managing your activities/behaviour — though they are not your manager. For instance, they’ll be slightly late to meetings, just to make you wait and keep a level of control.
Even leaders and managers who have been in their role a long time can feel insecure. Sometimes they are secure because of their tenure, or their position.
Surely, an executive senior general manager chairman knows what she’s doing!
To an extent, yes. But in the back of their mind, there can be the notion that a smarter person may enter the room. And then what? They’ll be exposed. They'll be caught off guard if the newcomer raises a point never asked before!
This only highlights their insecurity.
Of course, no-one is thinking this - they’re too busy thinking of their own insecurity and possible exposure!
Being aware of these factors is critical if you want to make progress in getting your idea, plan or strategy over the line.
If you don’t, your solutions, to an insecure leader, will feel like an attack.
“If your idea is good, then mine must be bad.”
That’s not our intention, of course, but that doesn’t matter.
Once they are on the back foot, your chances of progress of are limited!
It’s likely you have no authority over this person.
You cannot demand they change or accept your idea.
Don't Do That! Do This!
Here's three reasons why you MUST use this approach.
They’ll be able to maintain a level of control. This minimises their insecurity of lacking control of the situation.
You need them to put in place and own the idea. If they don’t own it, and it goes slightly off track, they will panic. They will cling to what they know to feel secure — which will not include the plan. The drive to see it through will be gone. And it will be another failed initiative.
The outcome is paramount! The outcome is dependent on all players. If they are not confident in their ability to execute the plan, it will fail. You need to do whatever you can to help them feel confident!
Note: This will change your approach with difficult personalities. And it works especially well if there has been damage to the relationship.
How often have we heard this?
I’ve learned this the hard way. I’ve had years of experience in turning businesses and business teams around. And that is part of the problem.
I can be accused of being a bit too keen to share my ideas.
So, PLEASE - learn from the master of this mistake !
When you have a great idea, a million-dollar idea, you get excited to tell someone. And you find yourself back at “telling, not asking”.
How to avoid the “Telling” trap
Take a breath. Prepare your approach if you need to get a point across.
Rephrase your idea into a question. It’s the same thought just posed differently.
Put the question to your audience … then ask for their thoughts.
So it may go from something like:
“Hey Dave, with this change your team is going to need some training.”
You’re telling him the team needs training. And you’re putting him on the spot! Especially if he is in a meeting with others.
If Dave is defensive, he will push back with his, perhaps lesser, idea or give you a flat out, “No!” I’ve had both!
Rephrase the idea as a question!
“Hey Dave, you’ve said this is a big change. What kind of support would you want to consider?”
Sounds silly! Works like a charm.
Why?
Because you’re not telling Dave what to do. You’re engaging him in a dialogue where he is an equal partner. Now you have a colleague, someone to work with and they begin to see you as a trusted advisor who is looking out for them.
Remember, everyone has a level of insecurity.
Try it next time. Let me know.
Thank you for reading! 😊
My purpose in writing is for:
Personal Development — writing helps me articulate my thinking. I find discussing a topic quite revealing and, at times challenging. It allows me to be critical of my own thoughts. I can find myself thinking: “Why DO I think this?”
Developing Others — to help people make better choices by helping them think critically and realise their potential. We are often blinded by beliefs and thinking given to us by others.
Ask, don't tell has been my motto for years. Not just with work, but friendships, relationships, etc. But I can't take credit for this advice, it was my friend back in high school who let me in on their ways. The rest of the advice sounds great too. Looking forward to implementing them with others soon.